Free To Be Me

Just For Laughs

2010-09-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

Well, SIT's blog suggestion for today was to repost a past blog you're really proud of. Well, I don't know how "proud" I am of this, but it made me laugh out loud, and I figured, who doesn't need a good laugh, so, enjoy =o)

I am amazing!!! (October 10, 2009)

DISCLAIMER: Please note, I use this blog as my own free therapy, so please take all ranting and raving with a grain of salt, as it is just the musings of a sleep deprived, overworked, underpaid, toddler chasing mommy =o)

Ever notice how prior to getting married, men are all "I can do it all"? "I want to do my own laundry, I can clean my own dishes, oh honey, let ME clean the kitchen for you." WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!!!!! I mean, I do have to admit, that I probably helped in creating the monster that I have today. I grew up with Donna Reed for a mother. She is domesticity(is that a word?) personified. She made meals from scratch....and not just every now and then when she got all spunky and creative and tried to channel Martha Stewart. No, everyday she made dinners and desserts and pies and bread!!!! She also made most of my clothes until I was 9 and even made my dad's dress shirts and sport coats. My dad, being the lovable color blind fellow that he is, needed my mom's help in clothes selection. But in true Donna Reed form, she did his laundry, ironed his clothes everyday, put together his outfits. Come on, I was bound to have some issues resulting from this kind of perfection. Well, I tried to replicate my mother's uncanny ability to do everything for everyone and make it look effortless.....not so much for me, my friends. Now don't get me wrong. I like to do things for my husband. My problem is that now I am taking care of my two year old "angel" all day, cleaning the house, washing the dishes, dealing with all of the fun of a toddler, then I get dinner ready for DH and Princess (which I do not have time to eat), run her to the babysitters, run back home, get ready for work, go to work, work, come home at 11pm to find the house a disaster and everyone asleep. (and yes I do know that was a rediculously long run on sentence) So what do I do then, unbutton my shirt, straighten up the house, can't do the dishes b/c the kitchen is right by Princess's room, iron DH's clothes for the next morning, get his lunch ready then some time after midnight, I drop exhausted into bed until Princess wakes up one of her 3 times during the night. Then at 6 am, the DH wakes up (which of course means I wake up, even if I can't drag my limp body out of bed) and REPEAT. Moral of this story, clean the house every now and then, rub my back, give me a break and a lot of flowers, and tell me repeatedly how FREAKING amazing I am, because, dang it, I deserve it!!!!!

3 comments:

JR said...: Fo Sho.Me love you long time!; October 1, 2009 11:29 PM
Urban Legend said...: You know how people complain about stretch marks, and you're like, "at least you have a kid to show for yours! I just have a bunch of empty candy wrappers." That's how I feel about you. You do waaaaaay more than is humanly possible for me taking care of just me....and you have two people dependent on you! Wow. You amaze me. Hell, I will rub your feet!; October 2, 2009 3:08 PM
Addie's Mommy said...: Sarah, you crack me up! Wow, a foot rub....oh that's right, it's Jess who is freaked out by feet huh? And I would not be amazed if I were you...I'd more likely have a straight jacket and padded cell reserved for when all of this comes crashing down on me and I completely loose whatever sembence of sanity I have remaining =o) I love you girl!; October 2, 2009 10:44 PMold post

Pediatric Cancer Month

2010-09-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am going to share a very honest fact about myself. One that will definately not paint me in a good light, but sometimes, this kind of realization can be a catalyst for change. My heart breaks when I see these commercials for different charity organizations. Especially ones that involve children. I always talk about doing something. But talk is cheap and I never do. I never have. How sad is that? Today, however, I found something I can do.....something we all can do. Craft Hope has put together something to bring a smile to the face of a child who is fighting a fight most of us can't even imagine. September is pediactric cancer month and Craft Hope is asking us to make pillow cases for kids in the hospital trying to beat this disease. Please, please, please help do this. No longer settle for just shedding a few tears for these kids. Do something to brighten their day. To make them smile. To remind them that there is a world of people out there who care whether they live or die, people they have never even met. Be a little bit of Jesus to a child who is our future.

First Day of School

2010-09-01T07:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I know this is just pre pre school (yes, I meant to put 2 pre's there), but still....it is the beginning of the end of my little baby being my little baby. She of course, my little independent social butterfly, was like, peace Mom, see ya! So much for the warm and fuzzies. But, I do have to admit, that it was pretty cool to watch her, complete with backpack the size of her, walk into her very own classroom, ready to take on the world....no fear! That's my girl! And of course, pay back is a beautiful thing. My litte angel has been depriving me of sleep, therefore sending me into a serious and desperate addiction to my morning (and sometimes all day) coffee.

Today, however, was my turn! She was almost too cute and sweet sleeping all snuggled up.......

ALMOST =O)

But, to make up for my inappropriate joy at waking my child up from a deep restful slumber, I made some special star shaped pancakes. Does that absolve me?

Picture of Brokenness

2010-08-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

So, I have been in a bit of a spiritual slump as of late. I know that the Lord is just waiting for me to lay down at His feet again, but I have been feeling cold and along and full of anxiety and stubbornly continuing to carry everything on my own. So, this morning, with the heavy feeling of the last few days still fresh, I turned on the song, Beloved by Kari Jobe and began to read my Bible, forsaking all of my other normal attention stealers (Facebook, news and gossip...terrible to admit, but since I'm all vunerable right now, I figure I'd just go all out) So I opened up looking for the story of Lazarus, hoping to find something to give me hope in my husband's healing. (The right side of his face is paralized from Bells Palsey). Instead, I think I have found a key for the beginning of my own healing. I read about Mary. Now, I know about Mary and Martha and their different personalities. I've heard the story a hundred times about Mary and the jar of perfume. But today, I see this woman in a different light. When Jesus, who had delayed his arrival, came to see Mary and Martha, Martha told Jesus that her brother, Lazarus, was dead and that if He had only come sooner, she knew He could have healed him. He called for Mary to meet Him. When she did, she said the same thing to Jesus. However, she followed with something different. She fell at His feet and started weeping. I'm sure these tears were the tears of loss. The Bible says that Jesus was "deeply moved in Spirit." This verse precedes the shortest and most humanizing verse in the whole Bible for me...."Jesus wept." Her broken spirit moved Jesus so deeply, that He wept with her. Later, Mary took her jar of expensive perfume, which was worth a years wages. She broke the jar and poured in on Jesus' feet and washed it off with her hair. I've always read these stories seperately, but today was different. Today, I see a woman who is filled with deep emotions and who sees the world differently. She is artistic and sensitive and at times, openly broken. Not only did Jesus not judge her for being this way, but He was moved deeply in His Spirit. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, or what other people need me to be. I, a sensitive and artistically minded woman, am fearfully and wonderfully made. Today, I choose to be like Mary, raw and open and broken before my Savior. He doesn't need me to be fixed and perfect, He needs me honest and true and broken so that He can create a masterpiece using the pieces of that I lay at His feet.

Best Project Ever

2010-08-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, so hopefully my BFF will not read this before tomorrow when she actually sees this in person. So this is the year we both say goodbye to our 20's. She is much more grown up about this than I am, but that is an entirely different post. Anyway, for her birthday, I, being on an extremely tight budget, decided to make her present. This is something that she is normally much more talented in than I am, but I thought, "What the heck, I'll give it a shot!" Well, boys and girls, I belied my typically creative-less self and made a pretty sinking cute present, if I do say so myself....and I do! I got the idea from a fellow blogger on her site, Living With Lindsay, and then just tweeked (is that a real word?) it a little bit. It was so much fun and super easy, which in a world filled with markers and coloring books, tricycles and swimming pools, fairies and super heros, quick and easy is my very favorite phrase! So here's how easy this really was.

1. Buy a wreath circle (no idea what the technical term for that flower styrofoam circle thingy you make wreaths with, but that's what I'm talking about here) I got mine at the Dollar Tree, for, you guessed it, $1!

2. Tear out pages of an old book (or a new $1 crappy romance novel that no one should be forced to read anyhow)

3. Make a horn shape with each page, hot gluing them in place

4. Hot glue pages to circle thing (I did longer ones on the bottom and layered up with shorter ones, but that's just me)

5. I used a bit of 2 or 3 inch wide satin ribbon I had lying around and just laced it through the pages, then glued a few flowers to the center (really just to cover up the fact that I can't make a pretty circle in the middle, but sssshhhh, don't tell)

The End

See, super easy......and super cute!

The Reporter Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

2010-07-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

The Reporter Frock Grosgrain Giveaway

Alright, girls....check this super cute dress out. All you have to do is comment on and you are entered to win. I love easy to win stuff =o)

I'm A Country Girl

2010-07-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, not really. For those who know me, please stop laughing. So I'd rather sip my coffee in an air conditioned wifi hotspot rather than going on a hike through the wilderness.....don't judge me. However, for one short afternoon, I was an outdoorsy, country girl. My father in law came to visit last week and he had seen a sign on the way in to town about a farm that you could pick your own blueberries. Hmmm, I thought. Blueberries sound fun. Addie could be outside (I thought this was brilliant, however, I was wrong...but more on that later) So we looked it up on the internet and apparently, there are TONS of U Pick farms all over (see, this is why I like the air conditioned hot spots) Anyways, so we made the treck out to the other side of Conroe, Tx (yes, it's a real place). We spent about 2 hours in the blazing Texas July heat picking tons of fresh, gorgeous blueberries. And since they don't use any pesticides, they encourage taste testing =o) My kind of place. Now, we (and I use this term loosely, since about 30 minutes into this, Addie turned into a red faced, grouchy, whiney version of my little girl, causing us to spend an hour and a half back at the front of the farm sitting on the shaded, fan lined benches sipping orange soda....I love that kid) picked around 38 pounds of blueberries. They were only $1.50 a pound!!!! So I have made blueberry pies every other day for about a week and a half and I haven't made a dent in our supply. I was a bit concerned about my lack of pie making experience, but, this face says it all!

Growing Up

2010-06-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

Ah, kids grow up so fast. And what is involved with this growing up, you ask. Well besides never staying the same size for more than a week, and learning new ways to drive your parents crazy, come the joy of the birthday party! Yes, the birthday party. Now, most people I know aren't all that worried about birthday parties when their munchkin's won't remember them. I am not one of those people. I prefer, along with my sister in heart, to bring the celebration to it's full potential. We celebrate birthday months in my house. Yep, months. Now if I had my way, it would be birthday all year long, but, seeing as that would get a little exhausting, not to mention expensive, I have grudgingly given in to only a month. Addie celebrated her 3rd birthday this weekend in true little girl style.....Tinkerbell. Now, Addie's parties are always very funny, seeing as there are always far more grown ups than kids. She, however seems to make her own fun, no matter who is around. We had a blast, squeezing 15 people in our living room, while the kiddos played tirelessly in the kiddie pool (that endless energy was probably fueled by an large supply of cupcakes). I love my baby girl, in all her wild crazy ways =o) She is just like a fine wine, she just gets better and better with age!

Slightly Askew Guest Giveaway

2010-04-30T06:07:00.000-07:00

So I am a big fan of give-aways....I never win, but gosh darnit, one of these days....anyways, here is a great one. I am seriously pining after those cuff bracelets! I love accesories, but never buy them, because I am a big fat 'fraidy cat. No more, ladies. Bring on the sassy accesories =o) Just click on this link to Grograin's blog and leave a comment to be entered!

Slightly Askew Guest Giveaway

Midsummer Nights Dream Tutu Tutorial!!!!

2010-04-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

So, I found this AMAZING blog! I think I might have actually caught myself drooling as I looked through all of Kathleen's tutorials (don't judge me...some people get all worked up over fancy cars, or the newest fashion or stupid $5000 designer bags when there are perfectly good knock offs on every corner...I'm just sayin', is all. I, LOVE crafty tutorials that let my little princess prance around the house in all her fluffy glory) Right now, I am in the middle of my own personal hell....packing with a 2 year old. It's a similar experience to shoveling the walkway while it's snowing (granted, I have never actually shoveled snow, seeing as I live in Texas, but it's what I imagine it would be like). =o)
You can bet your you know what, that as soon as I can find my sewing machine, I'm going to be giving this a try and posting some pic's.

Midsummer Nights Dream Tutu Tutorial!!!!

2010-04-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

I read a great devotional this morning on Proverbs 31 Ministries! It so perfectly said what has been on my heart time and time again, I almost laughed! Enjoy and check out their website and blog.....they always have scripture and stories to help to encourage you in every area of your life. http://www.proverbs31.org/

Choose Where You Will Stand

Tracie Miles

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13 (NIV)

Several years ago, I began playing tennis and became a member of a competitive team. Each week the team attends a practice clinic with our tennis professional to learn new techniques and strategies. He is always full of great tips and advice to help us improve our game, but one particular week he said something that really stuck in my mind.

He discussed the importance of court position; where we stand on the court could determine whether or not we keep the ball in play and if we win the point. Then he said that although we could not control what was going on in the court, we could always control where we stand.

I thought about how that statement is applicable not only to tennis, but to life. You see, even though we can't control what happens in the world, we can always control where we stand on issues of righteousness and integrity. Where we choose to stand will be evidence of the role that we are allowing God to play in our lives.

For example, we have no power over the sex, drugs, language and violence on TV, but we can choose whether we watch it or not. We have no power over the content of the movies coming out in the theatres, or how lenient the ratings are, but we can choose what we allow ourselves or our children to see. We can stand for purity.

We have no power to control the beliefs and actions of other people. We cannot control the downfall of morals in our society. We cannot control the decisions that Congress makes, which new laws are put into place, escalating gas prices, politics in the workplace, questionable practices in corporations, liberal tolerance, foreign affairs, war, or the state of the economy.

In fact, sometimes it may seem that we have no control over certain situations in our own lives, much less the things happening in the world. But there is good news - we always have the choice to choose where we will stand in the game of life.

Proverbs 20:5 says, "Knowing what is right is like deep water in the heart; a wise person draws from the well within" (The Message). That is really where court position begins - in the heart. If our faith is strong and grounded, then we will be able to pull from that wisdom when faced with opportunities to choose where to stand, knowing that the power of God within us will empower us to make good decisions.

Our only hope in fighting this battle of good versus evil, in our hearts and in this broken world, is to be prepared to stand tall and firm for Christ, despite what the opposition may bring.

You know, life is a lot like a tennis court. We each have our side. We try to stay on the right side, but sometimes the balls that get thrown at us pull us in the wrong direction. Other times they are difficult to defend, cause us to stumble, or throw us off track. But if we choose the right court position to begin with, that is, to stay on God's side and choose Him as our partner, we are much more likely to exercise the power we have within us. Drawing deep from the well of God's wisdom in our hearts, we can do the right thing.

There are times when standing up for our faith may cause us to lose the popularity contest, but it will allow others to see God in us. And, there may even be times when our court position speaks louder than words ever could.

Where will you stand today?

Dear Lord, help me have the strength and faith to stand up for what is right when I am faced with opposition, and not be swayed by the pressures in a fallen world. Help me live a life that glorifies You, instead of just taking the easy road and going along with the crowd. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Beauty For Pain

2010-03-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm chosing to use today, and this medium, as a catylist for healing. I am not an internalizer, meaning, I NEED to talk about my feelings and my pain, or else it promotes a self hatred and depression that I've never found words to describe. Having said that, I have shared our news of our baby, even here on this blog. We were suprised at how quickly we fell in love with this new little person. I think that after having our beautiful angel, we know now how it feels to love a child. That amazing, beautiful, perfect, frustrating love that you can only have for your baby, no matter how old they are.

In February, I went in for my first prenatal visit. The doctor did an intitial ultrasound and my Dr. thought that my dates might be off b/c she couldn't see anything in the gestational sack (which was there, and enlarged). So we scheduled a second visit for a month later. During this month, I fluxuated between stress and peace. I had to repeat over and over again that God is God, regardless of the outcome of my life. So I went to my second appointment with my hand in His, trusting in His will. Well, His will was definatley different than ours this time. I have spent the last week experiencing a miscarraige that just barely missed being into my second trimester. It has been more painful and gut renching and soul sucking than I imagined was humanly possible to endure.

But I do know that God is still God, even in the midst of our pain. Mine and my wonderful husband's, and our whole family's. We have named our baby, despite the fact that we won't get to meet him, this side of heaven. We chose the name Joshua Enoch. In the book of Joshua, God repeats over and over again, "Be strong and courageous, do not be discouraged." And, of course, Enoch, walked with God and then he was no more. We are choosing to believe that our baby was just too good for this world. He will spend his life worshipping God in His presence beside the angels. He will walk on streets, not made of tar and cement, but on streets made of gold. He will walk with Peter and Moses and Deborah and others whom we can only imagine from their stories. And one day, Brandon and I will walk on those streets too. We will see our little one and know him, because even though we never met him, we will know him because he is a part of us. And I know, that we will come through this fire, strong and more pure. He will give us beauty for our pain.

The Feeling of a Gift

2010-03-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

So my little princess had a rough night last night, which of course means mommy had a rough night as well. This night, however gave me a gift, inspite of losing sleep. At 4am, little A woke up and was screaming (not normal, by the way....crying yes, screaming, not so much). So I flew out of bed, effectively take about 5 years off of my life, terrified something was wrong. Of course there wasn't, she had just hit herself in the face with her cup and scared herself. So I got her all settled down and back in bed, and I went back to bed to try and come down off of my adrenaline rush. I of course didn't go back to sleep until about 5am, when just as I am dosing off, she starts screaming again. So I run in and hear the same story, though this time, she seems a bit more upset. So I went and got my pillow and crawled into bed with her. I put on the music and went to close my eyes when I looked at her liitle body all curled up beside me. Her back curved, her knees to her chest and it just hit me.....this is what a blessing looked like! I don't think I will ever forget how she looked as she drifted off into dreams, and how her hair smelled, and most of all, how I felt completely overwhelmed with love for her. These days are so short and pass by so quickly. Someday soon, she won't call for me during the night anymore, or want me to kiss her scraped knees, or love to cuddle up with me to watch a movie. But I know I will hold onto this memory of her for as long as I live. Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with this beautiful, lively, animated, loving, precious gift! She makes me want to be a better person and present her a world worthy of her.

Wow

2010-02-22T13:48:00.000-08:00

I found this on For The Love Of Naps blog today and had to repost it. So true!

"The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.”

-Anna Quindlen(Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11

I think that says it all!

Neccessity Is Really The Mother of Invention

2010-02-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

Well, kids, since my overactive imagination has kicked into overdrive, I have started to do a bit of panicking. Not you, calm and collected friend, you say! (Yes, in my head, I believe you all pretend to believe that I would never do such a crazy thing, like FREAKING OUT because of the little person I am working very hard to grow right now.....let me live in my little world, ok?) So anyways, I've been kind of panicky with the upcoming new baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited, but we aren't exactly in the same position as we were when we had our first little missy.....so my imagination has been working overtime, like, will the hospital hold my baby hostage if I can't pay them the bazillion dollars they want from me before we leave, or could I convince myself you have a home birth to save money (even though the thought of being far, far away from doctors who have endured and survived and successfully completed medical school and have access to drugs if I wimp out, makes me break out in hives), or what if we have twins????!!!! Yep, these are the things that have taken up residence in my mind, taunting me like a school yard bully. Now, my fabulous hubby, has reminded me time and time again, that God wouldn't have given us this gift of life, if He was just going to abandon us. I completely agree with this....I definately do worship a God who is faithful in every aspect of my life (and extremely patient, as He proves everday by putting up with my craziness)

Now, all of this ranting and raving leads me to my point in writing this....I know you were waiting for this moment. I have been trying to come up with ideas to earn some extra money and keep earning money once the baby is born without having to work full time. It finally hit me! I have been putting off ideas for forever (it's what I do best as a full time procrastinator) for making and selling baby and kids stuff. I love all of these boutique items, like burp cloths and tutus and wipee cases. I do NOT, however love the rediculous prices that accompany them. I will not ever pay $25 for a plastic wipe box with fabric glued on it! So here it is, I am starting my quest to reinvent the wheel....just a cheaper version, for real people who actually have bills to pay and diapers to buy and a budget to follow. I'm excited and nervous, but determined. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." If I really believe that, as I claim to, I have to be willing to step out in faith and work, while waiting for His strength to fill me! Done and done, my friends! I can't wait to show you my first projects....I love neccessity, because sometimes, it forces you to put on your big girl panties, suck it up, and do something about it!

Happy Family

2010-01-23T09:25:00.000-08:00

Well, it is official....we are adding one more to our happy little family. Still kind of hard to believe. I do believe it, however, when I am starving at all hours of the night and day and I'm so tired from growing a person, that I want to sleep for days=o) We are excited, though, tired and all! My little A, is a bit confused, though. When I told her that mommy had a baby in her tummy, she looked at me quizzically, pulled up my shirt, tugged on my belly button, seeminly searching for something, and said, "I can't find him, mommy!!!! The baby, I can't find him in the belly button!" Hilarious!!! I know that she is going to be the world's best big sister! No question! Now, there will be some adjustments to living life without the reigning title of queen. But this too shall pass!

2010-01-19T12:46:00.001-08:00

Wow!!! It's all I can find to say!

Ways To Help

2010-01-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.....I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for Me."

Matthew 25:35-36 &40

Well, I know I have a whopping 3 friends on here, but 3 more people to help is better than nothing. It may mean 3 more people have a chance and living another day. I'm sure everyone has heard about the tragedy in Haiti. Right now, the Nesting Place blog has started a website to help raise both awareness and funds for the people of Haiti. Pop on over to Hope For Haiti and see how you can help. There are raffles....$1 equals 1 raffle ticket. They are also looking for people to donate items to be raffled off as well. Anything would help. God bless you all!!!

Bad Idea

2009-12-28T19:41:00.000-08:00

Ah, yes....shopping done, check. Presents wapped, check. Christmases (yes, I do mean plural) with all families, check. Toddler addicted to unwrapping presents, check. Very large cocktail in hand, check, check! I love the holidays. I have great excuses to have as many big girl drinks as I want.....and these are in no particular order:
1. I wrapped what felt like 900 presents and my hands felt like they might fall off
2. I sat in a car with a 2 year old for 4 hours twice in one weekend
3. I went to Louisiana (this is a dig on the state itself, and not my in laws, in case anyone was keeping track)
4. The hubs and his best friend are hammered and watching football.
5. I went to Louisiana (yep, this counts twice)
6. I went to Louisiana (ok, the afore mentioned cocktail may be getting to me)
7. Did I mention the football thing already?

So on those notes, I am going to go enjoy my lack of responsibility for the next 5 minutes before I give in to the little nagging conscience (picture Jimeny Cricket chirping in my head) reminding me to clean the kitchen and get some sleep so I can be a sober and happy mommy in the morning.

Borin

2009-12-04T23:00:00.000-08:00

You know, I never really thought of myself as all crazy or exciting, but I sure as heck didn't think of myself as boring either.....until recently. I realized that I do nothing. Nothing, you ask....really? Yep that's right, nothing. I do the mommy thing, and the wifey thing, and I think that I do those pretty well. Or as well as can be expected....neither my husband, nor my daughter have been sold on ebay or to the nearest traveling gypsy, which I think, says a lot! Now, just to clarify, I do love my mommy and wifey jobs. But I love being a person too. Now, granted, I am probably a much milder, PG version of a person than I was in the past. But for real. I have no vices, no little crazy fun things that keep me real. I gave up smoking, drinking, going out anywhere, wearing pretty panties (if any guys are reading this, please feel free to erase this last statement from your memory). I worked hard to quit smoking, but stupid as it sounds, these days I miss it. When I was in my very early 20's, my bestie and I used to drive to the park, sit on top of our car (not in it, of course, because we were still delusional enough to think our parents didn't really know we smoked). When we lived together, we, along with the other 15 people that lived with us (slight dramatization, possible more on the side of extreme dramatization) would sit out on our porch, on our goofy plastic childrens furniture (which I would now love to still own) and smoke and talk and blah blah blah. Yes, there was also the whole coughing up a lung and not being able to walk up a flight of stairs without being winded (hey wait, I still can't do that), and of course the smelling like giant ashtray thing(so hot). But I kind of want to still have something fun or just for me....I am open to suggestions..... bring them

Spinning

2009-11-17T10:04:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like your whole world is spinning out of control? Like those crazy carnival rides that go in circles up and down while your seat turns in circles too? (You know the ones that make you feel like you're going to loose your cotton candy?) I mean, not very often, but during some moments of pure ignorance and stupidity, I actually start to think that I have things pretty well together and that it will all be just hunky-dory...then WHAM!!!!! And then the world starts spinning in circles and the afore mentioned cotton candy loosing sensation comes into play. These are the times that I find myself asking God, "Seriously???? Again?" I know that my faith is being tried (and tried and tried). I know that there is a time for everything. I know that my God is so much bigger than the spinning nauscious feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. I force myself to remember Job and his story. I mean this poor guy was great...he did it all right, he loved God and obeyed Him....and he didn't even have the Bible. He just knew! And then, WHAM! Right in the kisser! Lost his house, his kids, his animals, his health, all in one sweeping blow. How much better off am I? I have a roof over my head, and I have my family and my friends aren't looser discouraging kick-him-while-he's-down kind of people. So what will I do while I'm spinning? I think I will just try and find a focal point and hold on to my seat and my lunch....and wait out the spinning ride from hell, because, like always, the ride has to end.

Retail Therapy

2009-11-05T12:36:00.000-08:00

I believe in the power of retail therapy. Yep, selfish, frivolous (no idea if that is how you spell that, but my spell check doesn't work on here) beautiful retail therapy! Sadly, after kids, moves and career changes, sometimes, you don't get to experience that power at work. Woe is me.....I would almost literally kill to go shopping and actually buy something new, but, since diapers trump new shoes, I have been torturing myself by browsing this fabulous online store I found, called LuLu's. Oh my gosh, it's like Chinese water torture for women (or at least this woman). But do I stop? Nope, sure don't....I just keep adding to my wish list, which I choose not to look at, because it has become almost embarrasing at this point. Man, do I miss pretty shoes.....

Oh sweet torture......I

Truth

2009-10-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, so at the suggestion of my best friend, I am going to use this blog for what I started it for, which was freedom for me through expression. So thankfully, only a handful of people read this, since this is far from my normal crazy rantings. A couple of weeks ago I was faced with the very real possibility that I was pregnant. Now, while many married women would be ecstatic at this prospect, I was not. In fact, my reaction was more akin to fear and disbelief. Now while I have been pretty open about not wanting another child right now, I have been thinking more lately that maybe I do want another one, sometime soon. But NOW just freaked me out....mainly because we don't have insurance and I knew the hubs would completely freak out and I just panicked. I prayed that God would help me....I really just wanted to pretend it wasn't possible. And pretend I did. It was too early to take a pregnancy test, and so I just ignored it. I drank my coffee and my energy drinks and lifted tables at work and did so consciencely....who does something like that? Really? I'm not some hooker on the street, strung out on drugs and not giving a crap what happens to my unborn baby. I am an "average" middle class wife and mom (well, maybe not quite middle class). I love my husband and daughter, I go to church, I love God and believe that life, at any stage, is beautiful and a gift. So why would I treat life with such carelesness? I wish I knew. What I do know, is that God listened and I lost the baby. Very early, yes, and for that I am thankful. But I hate myself a little. Why? Because even though I was scared and said I didn't' want another baby, truth is, I did. So how do I live with this? Once again, no idea, but right now, I am doing what I know to do, which is wake up every morning, get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and breath in and out. I concentrate on what I do still have, and that is my life, my husband, my daughter and my faith in the knowledge that my unborn baby is alive in spirit and I will meet him or her someday....maybe even have the opportunity to say I'm sorry. Because, God, I'm so sorry!!!!

What Do I Really Want?

2009-10-24T19:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought that you knew exactly what you wanted, or didn't want for that matter, and when you got it, it turns out, you knew one thing and that was that you knew nothing at all? I know that was kind of a strange and random run on sentence, but really, have you? I have just been experiencing this very thing the last couple of days....well, I guess actually, the last couple of weeks. I had the one thing that I thought I didn't want right now. The thing I was SO not ready for. I was freaked and stressed and asking God for help. But I think that I wasn't so much asking for help as much as I was wanting Him to make it go away. Well, folks, be careful what you wish for. When He did "make it go away", (which was just what I wanted, right?), I was (am) left feeling empty and broken and guilty and hurt and, well, broken some more. Now I really have to look at the situation and realize that I don't always know what I REALLY want. I think I know and I decide that I know and just run with it, without really taking the time to evaluate where I am and what I'm feeling and see those things as valid. I just barrel through, shoving emotion to the side, and haphazardly pray for "help". Now while I will chose to learn from this experience, how do I leave the guilt? Was it me, was it God, was it my stupid lack of attention to the situation that caused this? I see that I need to address my feelings and emotions (even when they seem crazy or even when they seem wrong) as valid and really and acceptable for what they are. I will learn from this and I will believe that I have a just, loving and forgiving God and that He has a plan bigger than me and bigger than this situation and He will restore my hope and my joy and that He sees my heart and my desires, even when I don't want to acknowledge them. I will believe that, because even when I don't know what I really want, I know what I really believe!

Not a Good Sign

2009-10-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, so seriously, I think that I should be worried. My little "angel" A is, well, how should I say this (without sounding like I should be thrown under the bad mommy bus)? Well, she is high spirited and independent, and, um, ok, stubborn. And I don't mean stubborn as in, "I don't want to pick up my blocks, mommy" and after a few stern threats, she just gives in. I'm talking, like a gigantic pain in the butt kind of stubborn....you know, the kind that makes you want to sell her to the gypsies and use the money buy, oh I don't know, a really big drink and probably a straight jacket. (you see, I deserve to be thrown under the bad mommy bus....go ahead, admit it) Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, big pain in the butt. A likes to push me right to the edge of insanity by adamently refusing to do something, reguardless of punishment, threats, sweet talk, even bribary. No, no no, she would rather sit crying for an hour than give you the satisfaction of seeing her do what you have told her to do, a minute before she WANTS to do it. Now, the way I see it is, this behavior could be one of two things(well, I'm sure it could be more, but I am choosing not to dig any deeper right now, in the name of saving sanity). Senario One: A continues on this little pathway to extreme abhorance to rules and authority, and choses a life of anarchy, complete with black eyeliner, black fingernail polish and refusal to smile (oh yeah, and blasting music by people who did not get hugged enough as children). Yikes!
Senario Two: A continues to be extremely stubborn, but learns to harness this and channels it into striving for independence (except, of course from her mother whom she always wants advice from) and becomes a fierce, strong, dedicated, driven woman who will one day rule the world.
I do realize that this is all crazy talk, but, as I have said before, this is my own little therapy session, therefore, I am allowed a little bit of crazy (especially since I am dealing with affore mentioned toddler).

For The Love of Silence

2009-10-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here's the deal. President Obama just won the Nobel Peace Prize. Now I myself, think this is a big premature seeing as he hasn't had time to do much of anything yet. I also don't really know much about the Nobel Peace Prize, so I don't claim to understand how or why someone is not only nominated, but also chosen. So yeah, a little early to bring out the parades. However, I am not irate in my rantings and ravings sharing with the world (and yes I do mean world, via the internet) my disdain for our President and his newly aquired "trophy". I don't agree with many of his politics, personally, but for the love of all things good, why are people so set on bad mouthing the man every chance they get???? The position of President of the United States is a position that demands respect!!! That means, the person holding that position. And by the way, he didn't nominate himself for this little competition. Good night, people....shut up. If we are claiming to be followers of Jesus Christ, and we speak with hatred on our lips about anyone, how are we any different from the rest of the world???? I know that's easy to say, and trust me, I have said my fair share of hurtful and even hateful things, so I'm not all high and mighty up on my soap box....I'm just pissed off up on my soap box. Seriously....the Bible says (paraphrased) that God will raise up kings and He will destroy them. Anybody see in there anything about people trash talking and how helpful and edifying it is? No? Then shut it!!!! We are called to be prayer warriors...."do not be anxious for ANYTHING but in EVERYTHING with prayer and petition and with THANKSGIVING present your requests to God." (Phil 4) We need to bring our concerns for our President and our Nation to God in prayer....beg, cry out, lay it at His feet....pray for a change of heart or even better, that God's will be done!!! Enough with the trash talk and character assasinations....no person deserves that....let's leave the judgement up to the Ultimate Judge, and the rest of us, for the love of everything, just be silent!!!

Only Me

2009-10-03T18:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't even know how to talk about this without sounding like either an idiot or completely naive. Now I prefer not to think of myself as either of these things. Maybe impetuous, or believing in the best in people...much better ring to them, don't you think? However, idiot probably covers the following senerio best. So I have this two year old, A. Well, A being the vibrant bundle of fun she is, choses not to sleep through the night...yes, still. Don't judge....reserve your judgement, there will be plenty of time for that shortly. Since A doesn't sleep, I don't sleep (because of course my husband doesn't even have a clue that she is ever standing at the foot of our bed crying) Where was I? Oh yes, I don't sleep. After a few of these nights in a row this last week, I am very tired and I have a splitting headache, and of course I have to go to work. Not all bad. I get to talk to adults (or at least people who technically have reached the age where according to the law, they can smoke, drink and run off and kill people with guns, therefore recieving the "adult label". Anyways, so I'm talking to "adults" and my head is pounding. Not the kind of pounding that you can think happy thoughts and forget about. The kind where you want to shoot yourself in the foot just to transfer the pain (and maybe shoot the oversized six year old boy mascarading as a college student just for being annoying....lessens the pain to laugh at someone else). So, you get the point, I'm in pain. This girl we'll call S says that she has Excedrin Migraine. Angels sing, light shines down from heaven....RELIEF!!!!! Now, S tends to be a bit on edge, all the time!!! I'm talking like running in circle at a speed that should really leave her dizzy. Do I consider any of this before I happily accept these wonderful little pills that will soon easy the hammering in my head.....NOPE! I take them....with a Monster energy drink, no less. Long story short (ok,not short, less long), I took these "Excedrin" at 5:30pm last night. It is currently 8:30pm tonight.....STILL FREAKING AWAKE!!!! Yep, have not slept. Not even snoozed. So what does that make me? Besides an idiot? Pissed, that's what it makes me! I have been over the fateful exchange over and over in my mind, as when you are this tired, you just think in circles anyways. I know Skitzy S takes these diet pills that rival a crack and ephedra induced twitch. I am choosing to believe that this is what I took. Now if I were going to really think about this, I would start freaking out because everyone at my work does drugs. Ah the joys of a college town. Yeppers, and apparently, thank to my dear husband, who is much less stupid than I am (the chances of him taking some cracky's word for what pill she was giving him is about as likely as his ever waking up with A during the night....and yes I am bitter), I learn that Ritalen is the study drug of choice, which is, of course, speed. (nice to know what we are drugging our kids up with huh? I'll save that soap box for another day) So there you have it, small town living, church going, non swearing, speed limit driving, bed time story reading mommy has been up for 39 hours, more than likely hopped up on speed. While I am furious (I have really come to rely on my 5 hrs of sleep a night), if I find out that these little babies are legal over the counter kind of pep, I am officially buying stock in them and taking them with my morning coffee.....see I told you that there would be plenty to judge. Aren't you glad you save it for the good stuff =o)

I am amazing!!!

2009-10-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: Please note, I use this blog as my own free therapy, so please take all ranting and raving with a grain of salt, as it is just the musings of a sleep deprived, overworked, underpaid, toddler chasing mommy =o)

Ever notice how prior to getting married, men are all "I can do it all"? "I want to do my own laundry, I can clean my own dishes, honey, let ME clean the kitchen for you." WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!!!!! I mean, I do have to admit, that I probably helped in creating the monster that I have today. I grew up with Donna Reed for a mother. She is domesticity(is that a word?) personified. She made meals from scratch....and not just every now and then when she got all spunky and creative and tried to channel Martha Stewart. No, everyday she made dinners and desserts and pies and bread!!!! She also made most of my clothes until I was 9 and even made my dad's dress shirts and sport coats. My dad, being the lovable color blind fellow that he is, needed my mom's help in clothes selection. But in true Donna Reed form, she did his laundry, ironed his clothes everyday, put together his outfits. Come on, I was bound to have some issues resulting from this kind of perfection. Well, I tried to replicate my mother's uncanny ability to do everything for everyone and make it look effortless.....not so much for me, my friends. Now don't get me wrong. I like to do things for my husband. My problem is that now I am taking care of my two year old "angel" A all day, cleaning the house, washing the dishes, dealing with all of the fun of a toddler, then I get dinner ready for B and A (which I do not have time to eat), run A to the babysitters, run back home, get ready for work, go to work, work, come home at 11pm to find the house a disaster and everyone asleep. (and yes I do know that was a rediculously long run on sentence) So what do I do then, unbutton my shirt, straighten up the house, can't do the dishes b/c the kitchen is right by A's room, iron B's clothes for the next morning, get his lunch ready then some time after midnight, I drop exhausted into bed until A wakes up one of her 3 times during the night. Then at 6 am, B wakes up (which of course means I wake up, even if I can't drag my limp body out of bed) and REPEAT. Moral of this story, clean the house every now and then, rub my back give me a break and a lot of flowers, and tell me repeatedly how FREAKING amazing I am, because, dang it, I deserve it!!!!!

My baby

2009-09-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

Well, today my little girl goes to her first daycare/babysitter. I am so thankful it is someone at home and not an actual daycare (especially considering the whole swine flu thing). I know that daycares have some really great advantages. In fact, my niece does really well at one, but she is always sick and I just feel that they are not really for us at this point. And while I know all of this, I am still having a little bit of a hard time with it. She has only ever stayed with my parents, my in laws or my best friend. And now, I am abandoning her into the hopefully capable hands of someone I have known for 3 weeks. I have to trust that God has a plan for her and that he will help me to calm down before I have to be committed into a padded cell with a "hug yourself" jacket! I know I am being a big baby, I mean for heaven's sake, she is 2 years old. I just don't always listen to myself very well.

Mommy's Back Pack

2009-09-01T14:44:00.001-07:00

Yep, you guessed it....mommy's going back to school! I was afraid this was a pipe dream since I have been running face first into brick walls since I started the whole process. I attended a small private high school that no longer exists and the school I was looking at attending has been ridiculously hanging on to the fact that I couldn't get my high school transcript. It didn't matter that I attended a university, which, more than likely (um...hello) means that I had a high school diploma. It is a good thing that I have a very persistent hottie hubby. He kept encouraging me and reminding me that if this is what I really wanted to do, then to fight for it. So, I started looking at other online universities(yes, online is my only option right now as I am a full time mommy, wife, housekeeper, potty training guru, and part time server) Well, the other university that I liked was of course unbelievably expensive....twice as much as the other schools. Granted it is a bigger name, but seriously, who cares! Anyway, today, I got an email that somehow, some way, they tracked down my high school transcript! Yep, sure did! God is so faithful! So watch out, kids.....I'm getting a backpack, sharpening my pencils and getting ready to kick some serious school butt!!!!

Hubby's Art Project

2009-08-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

So, I was never the smart kid in school who "helped" everyone with their homework and tests. However, my husband starts his first day of teaching tomorrow and had this really cute idea about how to help the kids get to know him. He would make a big board with pictures and things that he loves. I think this is great, until I realize that this great idea would be my project with his supervision. Well, let me clarify. He would have been more than willing to do this himself...problem being, I am a goofy perfectionist and I couldn't let him try and cut and use glue sticks and draw (which I can't do either, but I love art, so I count myself a step ahead). The very idea gave me the chills...and not the good ones. I think I should officially win the Wifey of the Year award. Yep, I want the sash, flowers and especially the tiarra! Maybe I should submit this idea to hubby and just wait for my septer and royal robes to apear!

Goddess of All Things Moving

2009-08-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe I'm not a goddess EXACTLY.....but I am pretty darn close if I do say so myself! I, Rebekah Eve Holland, decorator dejur, have managed to fit a 1700 sq ft, 3 bedroom house into a shoe box. No applause neccessary (ok, maybe a little). I was hoping for a DA room, like in Harry Potter when they knock on this wall and it opens up into this massive room. But, alas, it was not to be here in Hickville, USA. But somehow, without the use of a wand, I have unpacked and set up our new little place all cute and cozy like =o) As soon as I figure out how in the world to put pictures on my blog I will post them for the world to see! (yes, Jess, this is a cry for help...a bit passive aggressive, I know)

What Happened To Respect???

2009-07-31T22:36:00.000-07:00

I grew up with a little brother, and while I tormented him endlessly (and I remain adamant that he deserved most of it), my parents made sure that every lesson was centered around respect for women. Regardless of my actions (which were dealt with, I assure you), my brother was not allowed to retaliate because I was a girl and you don't hit girls. He has, somewhere along the way, missed the lesson on respect for other peoples' property, and sleep schedules, but he treats women with the utmost respect.....including his medaling, nosey sister. Where, I am wondering, did these kind of lessons go? If you know that something you are discussing is going to offend or upset someone, why do you go out of your way to continue in front of them? I have out of the home jobs right now. Both are waiting tables, just two different dining establishments. One, I have been at for about 9 months, give or take. I don't enjoy crass and dirty jokes and stories and lots of profanity. I'm not judging those who speak like that or aren't bothered by it, I just personally choose to try and stay away from it. Therefore, when conversations drift to something I am not comfortable with, I don't get upset, yell, kick or scream, I simply leave a group conversation and find something else to do. At my first job, this has been quite effective. It didn't take long for people to see that I was kind and hardworking and that I didn't like to be involved in certain conversations and jokes. Therefore, my coworkers make a genuine effort to keep certain things to themselves when I am around (or at least wait until I am not around to talk about it) I can't tell you how much I appreciate this act of kindness. It may seem small, but to me it is huge because it shows respect, for me and my convictions and my choices. My second job, however is the polar opposite. The people I work with at this restaurant go out of their way to be obscene and foul every opportunity that they get.....and they get plenty. It shows a true lack of respect for another human being and their comfort in a situation. Do parents no longer teach their children, to be respectful of other people? Do children not grow up with good role models in their parents, teachers, family members, etc? Are we just using our words to teach about such an important topic, or are we showing our children how they are expected to behave and treat others by how carry ourselves and act, whether we think they are watching or not? They are always watching and it shows in the new generation of young adults beginning in the work force. They, as a whole, lack the work ethic, patience and respect of previous generations....how do we fix this? Do we continue to hand these young adults the world on a silver platter or do we give them the kick in the pants they deserve and begin teaching them the long lost art of respect?

Clean or Play

2009-07-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

So I have had some issues discerning between what's important and what I thought was important. I have had this MISconception of what my role as a housewife and mom is. Not anything I put on anyone else, this is strictly a self directed judgement. I assumed that keeping the kitchen and house clean, laundry washed, folded and put away, toys picked up, creative, attractive and yummy dinner every night was all on top of my priority list, or needed to be. But, of course, I thought that doing these things while being available for my daughter and my husband would just happen. In case you are wondering how that worked out for me, it didn't. Someone or something always lost out. As time has gone on, and I watch my daughter grow, I finally realized something. If my dishes aren't done until the next morning, and the laundry doesn't get done on time (or even ever get put into drawers for that matter), if there are toys scattered across the living room (and hallway, and bedroom, etc), no one looses anything. I mean, seriously....my husband will NOT be physically harmed if he has to hunt for matching socks in a laundry basket. Things will not grow on the dishes in the sink overnight (or at least I hope not). However, if I miss my daughter dancing in the living room, or singing on her "stage", or choose cleaning over spending precious little time with my husband, we all miss out. So my new philosophy is, screw the cleaning list and dance with my daughter and cuddle with my hubby, because life is too short to worry about the little, inconsequential things that don't matter in the end. So if you come to my home, be prepared....it may be a bit untidy, but it is filled with more that dirty dishes and unkept toys....it is filled with fun, laughter and love.

Decision Making At It's Finest

2009-07-27T12:57:00.001-07:00

Ah, the art of decision making....laying out all of your options, looking at pros and cons, the excitement, the anticipation.....I HATE IT! I do, I am sorry to say it, but it is true. I mean, really, I would much rather put out into the universe what I want to do, and have the best possible means of accomplishing this goal just shoot out of the sky. I realize, that like anything, the appreciation comes in working for it, but for once, I would much rather God shout out in a Tony the Tiger booming voice from Heaven and save me from chasing my tail in circles. But, while I am waiting for this phenomenon, I will just continue to make my lists, pros and cons, drink lots of coffee, stress out a bit, drink more coffee, stress some more (maybe the stress and coffee are linked somehow) and just make a flying leap into the strange unknown, hoping and praying that there is something soft to fall on.

Invention...why try?

2009-05-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

I read this article on women inventors and their effect on society. TLC is creating a tv series around it...giving average women a chance to get their ideas into homes in America. Not a terrible idea, but once again, what about the millions of other women who have amazing minds and ideas that could change the way we do things, but aren't photogenic enough or "interesting" enough to make it on to a television show? Why don't we simplify the process of getting an idea into the right hands? Why do I have to search and dig and beg to get a brilliant idea into the business world? I think that we could have better, more efficient ways of doing things if we had access to ideas from others. Maybe blogs are the answer. I know I have gotten great ideas from moms who are creative and open about sharing what they have discovered.

It's Time

2009-05-25T16:44:00.000-07:00

I have been hiding from my writing for years. Too afraid to open myself up to that kind of vulnerability again. But, it's time to be me. Time to be who I was created to be. I need to be open in my writing again, because often, I have no one else to be open with. There is a freedom in loving who God created you to be. A writer, a mom, a toilet bowl cleaner...whatever!!! I am far from where I want or need to to be, but I am choosing this day to move toward that freedom. If Christ died to set me free, I have no right to be hidden and in bondage...especially to fear. I want to be free to be me!!!